and the verdict is.....

they love me... they *really* love me!!

Today I had "The Talk" with the manager of my major contract, hoping against hope that he would agree to let me work from the south island and keep their contract... or at worst, to arrange what work I would need to finish before I leave and what date i'll have to cut off accepting work.

Well...

Not only were they so devastated at the thought of losing me that the huge extra cost involved in shipping everything inter-island to and from my new workroom is no obstacle, but they pointed out that I haven't had a pay rise in a while and are going to review that this week!

They said they will miss my presence (and loud music in the workroom) but finding someone else who can do all that I can would be near impossible.

I said that not only were they great to be around and to work for and with, but that they "appreciate the miracle of Me" (in quotes because I actually said it like that *giggles*)

So now when I move, I will have a couple of days' rest, then my business can carry on as usual instantly. If I get the prison job I'll do both... if not i'll have a while to look for another contract on top of this one.

*grins* I am one proud chikkie

*wanders off singing "Nobody Does it Better"*

ack

shit

So I sent away my application for the prison job last night. Now i play the waiting game. I'm pretty confident I'll at least get an interview, but I'm not sure whether I even *want* the job.

I've lived alone a long time now, 9 years. I love it. Now i'm moving to another city, living with my family again for a while, giving up my space, my privacy (even the sanctuary of your own room vanishes when there's a 10yr old in the house) and my freedom.

If I get this job as well, i'll lose the last of the life I have built for myself.

Trying to fit my entire life into as few boxes as possible and throwing out so very much is exhausting, but I still have a business to run and a life to live, and there aren't enough hours in the day lately to do all that and get more than a few hours sleep each night. The lack of sleep is taking its toll today

I know I will love being in Christchurch. It is a gorgeous city and having family around again will be incredible. My best friend is there, and it is only a few hours' drive from Dunedin where I used to live, so I can take a few weekend breaks down there as well.

There are really at least as many positives about this move as negatives or unknowns, but right now, it just feels like too much change to handle all at once

Screw this, I'm gonna go out tonight, drink way too much and sing my heart out!

Curve Ball - part deux

[bigass rant]

Damn, a 2am blogging session is not what I had planned for the night…I was thinking more along the lines of sleep

I’m already overtired though, and when I’m overtired I think, lose sleep and get more tired – not my fave scenario but here we are!

So tonight I’m thinking about prison. Not hard to click what got me started on this train of thought if you read the previous post, but right now I’m not thinking about the job.

This time last year, I helped send my father to prison. Yet another long story which I will eventually tell, but the short version is that he molested my niece (and others), and about a year ago we sent him away for it.

Thing is, I’m pissed at him. Not only for what he did, but for the fact that he forced us all into the position of going through multiple trials and carrying the guilt of sending a 70 yr old man to prison. Made a little girl go through physical and psychological examinations, made his son want to kill him. Made me have to have *that* conversation with a child who has no idea what body parts are for, to try and determine the extent of what happened – the questions the police couldn’t ask directly and a child couldn’t understand indirectly.

And for destroying the work that I had done over the past several years on our relationship. When I was about 15, he and Mum divorced, and we had Sunday visits. They were boring and we hated them. Eventually I grew up a little, left school and started an grown-up life, so I decided it was time to learn about Dad and get to know him as a person as well as a parent. I liked him. I invested time energy and emotions into that relationship and it vanished, just like that.

Surely it wouldn’t take more than half a brain to know that the act of getting your rocks off by messing with a 6year old girl would have further consequences? How stupid can you be to think that a child, with all the personal safety education in schools now, would not tell? Her father is your son, aunties are your daughters – ya those relationships are gone too. In fact your entire family gets stomped into the mud. Sinead isn’t the only victim here, Surely he would’ve known that? Selfish bastard
[/bigass rant]

I also miss him

Curve Ball

well things just get more and more interesting!

Just as I had convinced Mum and almost convinced myself that keeping my business running after I move would be the way to go... a very interesting job prospect appears

My best friend Jonny (who has just started reading this bloggy, hi Jonny!) works with an organisation which amongst other things, assists fathers in gaining access to their children. One of the things Jonny helps some of these fathers to do is find a job... and along the way he finds the odd gem of a position. Yesterday he found one that screamed my name

I'm reserving judgement until I recieve the job description which I requested today, but this sounds like enough of a challenge to actually keep me interested

I'm actually considering being an Apparel Instructor in a women's prison. I would never have pictured myself in that position before, but whenever I tell people about it, they unanimously agree that it would be perfect for me... not quite sure how to take that! :P

Now that I think about it, I can see myself there. I would be training inmates nearing the end of their sentences to re-enter the workforce, teaching them a skill in an industry which is currently desperate for workers. I myself would be trained in many aspects of prison work, cultural awareness, policy & legislation, along with full support in completing or undertaking any related study. All that and what I assume (yet to be confirmed) would be quite a healthy pay packet.

I have no formal teaching qualification, but it isn't mentioned in the position brief as a requirement. I have however found myself in teaching positions several times before. I'm a DAMN good teacher (if i do say so myself). well, really i'm damn good at pretty much anything that interests me enough to hold my attention, but that's another matter entirely. When I teach, I take the time to make sure that mu students not only understand what i'm telling them, but understand the reasoning behind the lesson as well - that way they actually remember what they learn, and are capable of altering the mechanics of the concept to suit other purposes. Takes a few minutes longer, but it works well. I am pleased and impressed with my students when they prove their understanding rather than just remember facts.

Anyway, it has been a while since I've done any teaching, but i do remember it being as rewarding as it is exhausting, and I do seem to fit all the other requirements of the position so far, so i'm going for it. If i don't get the job or if I change my mind, I still have my business.

good day today... long but good

I spent the morning with Mum, talked about what each of our expectations are when I move, had coffee and enjoyed the winter sunshine.

That was a huge relief... yesterday after I had seen her, I got home in full panic mode ,vented at full force to a friend (sorry again and thanks R, hugs), and drank what ended up being the best bottle of wine ive ever had. Eventually I found something to focus on and chilled out.

Today when I made it to my workroom, I started assessing why I freaked out and what was actually behind it.

I've done my time living with flatmates/housemates. Some were great, some were ummm... not so great... but for the past 9 years i've lived alone. I love it. Sure it gets lonely occasionally - but that's when you go out, go visiting, have guests... then get your own space back. My alone time has become very important to me.

When I go to Christchurch, for the first while i'll be staying with Mum, my brother and his daughter. That's a pretty serious compromise on my part "personal space"-wise, and it has scared me more than I knew.

I have also been trying to decide what I'll do for work when I get there, whether I'll continue my business or get a job. Well i thought about that a LOT today, and what I came up with is a plan that could work out really well.

I love what I do. The designing and dressmaking side of my business is fun but seasonal and not very dependable. The contract work though is good money. Last year I had a tough time but there were many reasons behind that. What I love the most is that I can schedule my own time. I can take time off in the day, sometimes take whole days off for no good reason, and work at night instead. In quieter months I can take vacations whenever I want, or in regualr months as long as I clear my workload before I go. If there's something I need (or usually just want) the business can get it for me... considering it is doing well enough

Last year was bad enough that I forgot how it was when it was good - it was really good. I travelled, bought my car and computer, travelled, shopped... all reasonably easily. I want that again

I want to continue the business. I want a workroom separate from home so that I can get away from the family when I want. I am about to present a proposal to one of my contracts to work remotely. It's a good proposal, hope they agree that it's the best option for all of us :)

So there's more thinking to do but right now I feel better. I feel like I can do this, that i want to do this. I had a momentary lapse of reason, but now I'm back to my positively weird self.

so, no more freak-outs... promise! ;)