Terminally Single?

in less than half an hour my brother arrives to visit for a couple of days.

I'm really looking forward to having him here, only i just "got rid of" another house guest i've had here for 3 weeks! I want my space!

It's funny. I've lived alone so long i don't think i know how not to any more. When i was flatting in Dunedin, i had a string of nightmare flatmates: thieves, drug dealers, people who decided that they didnt need to pay rent for the 3 weeks they were working on a fishing boat, only for the week they were there before they went fishing again, party animals - as in nothing BUT partying, and the worst... just plain STUPID people - my pet peeve lol

So i got a place on my own. It was simple & basic but the rent was cheap, it was tidy and it was MINE! MY food in the fridge, MY stuff in the bathroom, MY mess to clean when i choose and no cleaning up after anyone else. MY place, MY space.

and i got selfish

My space has become so important to me that anyone in it for too long, no matter how much i enjoy their company, I get suffocated and just want my space back.

I accept that with my living space, but it does eventually become a problem in relationships. I've become selfish with myself as well, and i dont like that. It took me a long long time to figure out what was wrong, but i get suffocated by people who get too close to me as well. I start finding flaws, and even tiny ones grow to be huge issues. Not always, and it can be a good thing because i find real issues that i had no idea were there in the warm glow of a new relationship, but it has caused me problems as well

must work on that - don't be so damn selfish :P

weird part is that whenever possible, i'm seriously unselfish with people i care about. I give and give, often to my own detriment. another story - coming soon.

Hmmm, my bro is here now, mebbe i'll set him up with an avatar and set him roaming around D'mala. I told enough people he was coming to visit that he should get a really warm reception!

anyway, am I terminally Single or not? I ask myself all the time. Will i ever find someone who doesn't piss me right off long enough to settle myself into being with them?

God i hope theres hope

that'll teach me

Damn i wish I was more relaxed when I write letters; they always come out sounding so official, when that's not how I mean them to come across at all! Hopefully blogging will help that - i need to teach myself to write as I speak, that I can convey my point without getting all beaurocratic and formal sounding - I hate that!

well.... 3 1/2 weeks ago I wrote an email.

It was important to me to write it, it was also a really hard one to write. I have never actively promoted my singing, and that was what i did in this email. I was nervous and afraid, careful how I placed every word, I even managed to make it sound light and relaxed and it took me days to write.... another several hours with my mouse poised over the send button before I could bring myself to send it.

You see, I know I sing well, really well. friends around me and in game alike love to hear me and tell me all the time that I should be doing more. Unfortunately, the only recordings I have, the ones my online groupies have heard, were recorded when i was ill. I had a cold so bad I could barely breathe... but they're still good enough to impress... though I doubt someone in "the business" would be as impressed

So when I did finally send it, I was so relieved. I had always wanted to put myself forward, to be recognised for my talent, especially by people I respected and in a context that I care about so much. And now the letter was sent, and all I had to do was wait.

Well, I didn't have long to wait... within a couple hours, an email alert appeared in my messenger window. It was my reply....well not quite; it was a reply saying thanks for the email and it had been forwarded to the person who should see it.

Progress? well yeah, but that's as far as it got. After that i heard nothing. No "OMG we NEED you to sing for us", no "good idea, good voice, we're impressed and thinking about it", no "thanks but no thanks", not even a "what the hell were you thinking???". nothing in 3 1/2 weeks.

So I have no idea if the email didn't get forwarded, didn't make it to it's destination, did make it but wasn't opened, or was opened and discarded. As much respect as I have for the people I sent it to, that's a little rude.

But what can I do... I'm not sure I even want to know why now......

One minute down, Fourteen to go

OK that was too cool

A few weeks ago i went on a fabric sourcing business trip. I was away for almost a week, in a city where a few friends lived, so we got together and went out one night. Of course we ended up heading for one of the very few *not scummy* local karaoke bars, and had a great night.

One of those great nights where i had the crowd in teh palm of my hand... i had them dancing, screaming, i made them smile, i watched the jaws drop and teh eyes widen when i pulled a perfect long high note (finally i get to sing with clear sinuses and there was no recording!) and then for my own satisfaction, with my final song i made the whole room cry :P

So today I was walking home from my workroom, exhausted and ready to relax and let the world go away for a while, when a group of people stopped me in the street, all excited to see me as if they were best friends!

It turned out they were there at the karaoke bar that night...... Tourists from the UK.... and now their travels brought them here and they recognised me as if i were famous...

small, small, small world


....but how cool is that! :D

Excuse my cynicism in this entry - i am in bigtime nicotine withdrawl, and my patience and general positive outlook on things is a little faded right now - hope this part of quitting doesnt last long!

My Nana seems to be making a miraculous recovery. It figures - she seems to have a habit of those.

Picture a 90 year old woman, riddled with cancer for the past 70 years, repeatedly on death's doorstep, repeatedly coming back from near death when it is least expected and returning to her boiled food and her garden.

My Nana Mary devoted her life to the church. She lived across the road, hosted communion every day (3 times on Sunday), grew her garden so that she could provide a constant supply of fresh flowers for the church. Oh and she had 12 children as well. Often the children were incidental and lower priority than the church, but only about half of them seem to be permanently messed up because of it. Still, she got a medal from the pope so it must be worth it.

I do admire her commitment to her beliefs, don't get me wrong - but i believe that martyrdom should not come at the expense of others.

She is a nice lady, and i do love her, and accept that her choices in life were her own, and she felt they were right at the time. She has always has a welcoming (if stale smelling :P) place for any of us to stay, and has sent a card and handkerchief to every one of her 40+ grandchildren every birthday and christmas, like clockwork.

If she dies now, I will regret never actually talking to her about her life, and about mine. I'm sure we would share in a very interesting conversation.

On the other hand, if this miraculous recovery comes to fruition like all the others, maybe i'll just make the effort to go and have that conversation after all

Two valuable pieces of information to improve your life:

1: Always have fresh limes in the kitchen
2: Never wish your life would be a little more interesting - never!

One day i may elaborate on those, but for now just believe me :P

So I sing. Mostly I sing simply because I love it. Sometimes I sing to make myself or someone else feel better. Occasionally I sing to win. I have never sung for money, apart from side-effects of singing to win. I sing because its who i am, and i sing well.

Yesterday I promoted myself. I rarely do that, and i can't say much about who i contacted in case by some remote chance it works out and all suddenly becomes hush-hush. So far though, i haven't recieved any "what a stupid idea" or "who are you kidding" type emails, so theres still hope lol.

So...blogging huh? I've read a few of them, heard about more than i've read, but never written one. Hopefully i'll have interesting things to say!

for now though, first entry over - i'm getting boring already, and i figure that should be my blogging rule - stop when you get boring!

until next time...