enigma

I am an enigma
Don’t try to understand me, I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work
I’ll just surprise and confuse you, as I do myself
I’m far more intelligent than I let on, far less confident than I will show.
I’m a cynical hopeless romantic
I love long in-depth conversations about complete crap
I’m one of the strongest people I have ever met… but I can crumple with the best of them
I equally love and hate myself, often simultaneously
But never undervalue me or underestimate me
I am worth the effort
Enigma is good…. I think

fresh

i've started getting ready to move. I have no idea when this is actually going to happen, sometime in the next couple of months though, so I at least have a vague timeframe to work with.

Today i pulled everything out of my linen closet. Big mistake, when you consider 2 things:

1: i have a LOT of linen; bed bath and table. My mother and I were in business a few years ago, first in retail, we had a shop where we stocked and sold (and "acquired") some of the finest linens in the world, so i have some gooooood stuff!

it had been so long since i even saw a lot of it, that i got all emotional about it when i un-buried it from the rest.... i'm SUCH a freak!

2: I have no boxes. I'm trying to sort all this stuff, give away what I don't want any more, I have taken all this linen out of the closet, and now its laid all over my bed... but unless i want to put it right back where i got it from, there's nowhere to put it!

i think, in the back of my mind, that the idea in doing this was to use the linen closet to put boxes of things that are ready to move. I guess I had better go get boxes - MORE than i need for right now, in preparation for my next un-anticipated burst of energy!

This move worries me though. For so many reasons. I know it is a move i've been meaning to make for the past 10 years and i'm thrilled that i am finally making it, but for some reason i have a bad feeling about it.

Must stop thinking about it and just do it - i will have a better life there, I will be near my family, and a half day's drive from several old friends. I love Christchurch as a city, hate Palmerston North. There is a much higher population there than here, so my business shouldn't have too many problems settling back into operation when i get there - i am even planning to start getting the leg work done from here, get a few contracts organised in advance and hopefully start almost immediately.

So there is definitely more good in going than staying. If i stayed, nothing would change. ever.
and believe me, things need to change.

apparently starting with boxes!

WOW

Top: Smokefree Design Awards entry
Bottom: Wools of New Zealand Awards entry

It has been ages since i entered in any design competition. Ages meaning 1999 i think, havent really had time since then, been too busy designing what other people want rather than lettting my imagination go nutz

Well we have reached the time of year here, for New Zealand's biggest annual design awards, and i am finally inspired again!

For those of you who have no idea what i'm raving on about, check this awesome site...

http://www.worldofwearableart.com/

i've never entered. Its a pretty intimidating thing to consider, the standards are so high - but i know i'm up to it. I've entered and made finals in competitions like this before, just more mainstream. I want to do this though, i want to free my mind and create something dreams, or nightmares are made of

Big commitment, small budget.... sounds like a challenge

i like a challenge :P

ack! still sick :(

was scheduled to work today and tomorrow morning at my part time job but yesterday i wasn't doing so well, and getting worse, so I went in to tell them they didn't really want me around their customers...

apparently being sick isn't enough to get sick leave there when the manager has had a tough week :
so i've had a crap day, crap morning coming tomorrow *sigh*

reminder to myself: next time i get sick, QUIT... that way at least i get to vegetate on the couch when i need to!

gotta get better soon though, getting sick of this soooo fast, and deadlines only move so far....

politics

i'm sick...

hayfever again, i am so blocked up i cant breathe, my eyeballs feel like they're being forced out of my skull and my throat hurts. Basically im plain miserable.

Apart from feeling like crap, i'm fine - still working, still making deadlines (so far)... and there are more coming soon apparently - i have been pre-warned lol

Feeling pissed off though. Not sure what at exactly, so i'm just taking it out on whatever I feel like at any given time. So far people have been safe, see how i feel tomorrow ;)

So, Cavern. The great political race, the biggest popularity contest of the year. The chance for explorers to boost their egos and suck up to the "powers that be" who are probably gonna end up running against them anyway. Some are thoroughly immersed in their IC personas, some of those personae slip or are tossed aside when inconvenient. Some run because they want to help the community, some think they are the community and some just wanna hang with the cyantists and add to their name-dropping opportunities.

Its an interesting experiment to watch. Much as i'd love to do it, to be a rep, there's no way i could. I'm simply not popular enough, don't speak enough languages, don't have every intimate detail of D'ni history committed to memory, and wasn't around for Live. All things which seem to be becoming required qualifications. I just like to be there, to share in conversation, offer assistance, play games and explore with the others there. I don't care who's been there longest, who belongs to what guilds or forums or frankly, what people think of me. I DO care that people are all well taken care of in there, that the "house rules" are followed, that if someone needs help, they get it, and of course i am curious as to what will happen to UU in future...... but i can wait. I have a knack of seeing to the heart of an issue and dealing with it, knowing the right way to communicate in a given situation, live in a timezone that overlaps all other major ones, am self employed and can schedule my time to be there when i need to, and with a few exceptions am generally well liked (i think), just not often thought of lol ;)... but thats not important in this race. I'm not big enough or loud enough to be considered... and exactly the same can be said for so many others in there.

I think what really gets at me though, is that we are ALL just explorers down there. No matter how popular a person is, how important they have been made or have made themselves, what position they hold on other shards... we are all the same in D'mala. This is a new shard, a new start on equal footing. I have met hundreds of new people, caught up with several others i haven't seen in a while, and seen the same old heirarchy falling right back into place. sad....

...sad but they'll be elected, simply because they always are.

almost forgot...

.... the link to me singing now works - well mostly lol - it downloads the cavern Podcast8 - a bigger download than i would like, but i havent found another free MP3 hosting site that doesn't insist on pop-ups yet. So for now, if you wanna hear me sing, I'm on right after the GreyDragon interview :)

My brother was here staying on my couch for a couple nights, left this morning - i meant to get him into cavern to visit, but we were too busy watching awful movies, oh well

He was in town as a witness in a yet another trial against his ex wife Jackie. Shes a psychopath - no really, she was diagnosed last year!

So yet again, my life was turned upside down to accommodate my family. Amazing how they assume they can walk over me and disrupt my life whenever they need - but thats the important word - "need" - and i'll let them walk over me if they need. Pfft family, gotta love em!
When I started writing this blogpost I had a clear idea in mind what I would be talking about - the whole "witness protection" thing with my family... but with just having had *another* trial, i havent sorted out how i feel about it all again now, so if i started writing id never stop.

This whole thing has almost broken me so many times now, i'm just afraid that one day it will. Venting is something i do need to do, but I just dont have that many words right now, and venting to my family isn't an option - they just make it feel worse.

Is is a fascinating story though lol, this woman J is truly unbelievable!

But right now, I'm still confused about that, and every time i have escaped to forum reading or cavern, theyre talking about how to vote 5 reps in some way thats fair - just getting stupid. I'm staying out of it so far, my brutally honest opinion isn't one they need to hear just yet. Probably they never will lol - not like i'd be in the running - i already know who is most likely to be "elected" and unfortunately, i probably count myself among those who won't be too happy if that happens.

Something new would be nice - something good. something to break my endless routine of working working working sleeping with small UU breaks and the odd sing.

hmmm first i need sleep, then i'll think about something new.

So maybe later on i'll try and fit *the story* into a post, until then, if you wanna know and know where to find me, ask - its easier to tell in a conversation ;)