...As if that weren't enough...

Pointless Entry

2011-09-12T14:56:00.002+12:00

This has gone on too long - lots has happened but I haven't blogged in around 3 years!

Right now I'm still in the process of sorting my mind out enough to start my next post, so this one is just here to say the next one it on it's way!

fair sentencing?

2008-01-23T17:23:00.000+13:00

Last Saturday, Jan 19th, my Aunt Jude and her partner Randall were riding their motorcycles over to the west coast for the weekend. About 3/4 of the way there they were hit by a spanish tourist who was driving on the wrong side of the road.

They (especially Jude) shouldn't be alive apparently, but they are. Randy escaped with a broken arm, collarbone and a lot of gravel burn. Jude broke both legs, one arm and the other arm is badly bruised and sprained. Neither of them have any internal or head injuries. Phew.

Jude has had several surgeries so far, basically reattaching one foot, closing the torn-open leg and installing one of those external frame thingies to hold her leg together while it heals. She has more surgeries remaining yet, so they're keeping her in an induced coma until its all over.

There have been a couple of small articles in the newspaper and one on the tv3 website about it, though no-one has mentioned the extent of Jude's injuries, and the latest one I saw had details of the sentencing of the tourist.

http://www.tv3.co.nz/News/Touristfinedfordrivingonwrongsideandhittingmotorcyclists/tabid/209/articleID/44044/cat/41/Default.aspx

Okay, so here's where I get mad. If you look at the bottom of the page, there are comments from a couple of readers, the bottom one asking a question I had in my mind already, so I decided to find out.

I emailed the Spanish Embassy in Wellington and asked whether the driving disqualification would be upheld by Spanish authorities when the tourist returned home and recieved this reply:

"The disqualification will not apply in Spain as there is not an agreement between the Spanish Goverment and the New Zealand Goverment in Traffic Law matters."

So why the hell did the judge even bother with disqualifying him? Keeping up appearances?? What other reason could there be?

I'm so furious about it thaat I'm on the edge of calling the TV station myself and making sure that detail is made public. Tonight I'm going to talk to the family and find out why details of Jude's condition have not been mentioned so I know whether or not to bring it up myself.

So angry i want to explode.

:(

2008-01-06T15:22:00.000+13:00

A whole new year. Full of hope? full of promise? Nah... full of exactly the same as last year but I've had a good break and can enjoy it more.

Of course, that's nothing to complain about really - being full of the same as last year - last year was pretty great. Meeting Dale was the best part of course. Yes we're still very much together and happy, and I finally have pics!

For Christmas, Dale got me the best stuff. I was expecting no more than a good book or a dvd - something that showed he listened to me and thought about what to get. But no. He proved those points far better than I ever thought he would....

I love to cook, but gave away most of my kitchen stuff when I moved here.
He got me a great spice rack.
And a breadmaker.

I like pc games that don't rely on running around killing everything - and they're hard to find
He got me Oblivion GOTY edition

I had goldfishies before I moved but gave them away to avoid killing them in the move.
He got me a full tropical tank set-up

Yep, he listens! So do I appparently though, because I got him some equally good gifts in their own way. The best part really was having time after our respective christmas work rushes to soend some quiet relaxing time together.

So we've both been thoroughly enjoying the fish tank. Researching what fishies eat which others, how big they grow, how many we can fit in the tank, filling and cycling the aquarium... and finally we put the first fishies in there: 10 neon tetras, a bristlenose pleco to keep the bottom clean, and a flying fox to clean the leaves and sides.

The tetras are named the Skool of Rock, Flying Fox is Foxy Love (Hey Hey Hey) and the Pleco is Spot - because we are always playing "spot the fishy" with him (plus he's spotty)

Then 3 days ago I got 2 lyretail mollies. A plain yellow one called Lemon, and a yellow one with black splotches and a black tail, named Pepper (mmmmm lemon pepper)

2 days ago Dale got a rainbow shark, named Feargal. If you don't understand the name, ask someone who remembers the 80s ;)

So the pleco and the shark were to be our indicators of when to get a bigger tank. the best laid plans however often go astray, and last night that was proven when Lemon (the molly) gave birth to 20+ babies! They were so cute when they were newborn - a pair of eyes with a little bit of membrane sticking out the back. Next morning they looked like proper fishies, and by the end of the day they were each almost 1cm long!

Right now we're looking for another tank. A big one. We'll run both, probably using the current one as a nursery.

So more research, and more room for other fishies in the new tank

It's all so exciting! (and no, i'm not kidding - its really cool lol)

Happy new year!

the return of the thing

2007-04-10T01:00:00.000+12:00

wow, so long since my last entry! Now I have to decide whats important enough to bother writing about in a 3 month catch-up entry... eek!

Been some tough times lately. My whole family seems to be in a phase of financial difficulty, my own not helping at all, in fact I think mine is bad enough that it is dragging everyone else down a little further. Business hasn't been exactly slow.... I think it's just at that stage where its almost settled into place and ready to build up but still treading water. Kinda drowning a little before it figures out how to swim. So of course that leaves me coughing water and working my ass off for seemingly nothing, but I can still see "the light" and am kicking out behind me as hard as I can, moving slowly towards where I need to be.

So enough of the bad swimming analogies! I also got older (turned 37 Jan 20th, ouch) and fell in love. For those of you waiting on the impending release of my book about internet dating horror stories, I offer my humble apologies... not happening, at least not for now! I was gathering quite a collection of tales too.... but alas for my authorship, I found someone really wonderful amongst the dregs of society. Pretty amazing for me, the seasoned cynic, the eternal skeptic, the disbeliever, holding the staunch belief that nothing like this would ever happen to me. And now I'm looking in, but from the inside for the first time, and I like it.

Dale is.... well Dale is a lot of things, most of which will be boring as hell to anyone reading this, but interesting to me. He treats me better than I knew people treated each other, he makes me feel beautiful and interesting and happy. He has other things apart from me which are important to him (anyone who knows me will know how much that means to me!) and values the fact that I too have things I do which don't involve him. Things which in most relationships would normally piss me off, I am finding strangely endearing, or at least not as annoying as I would expect. He has a business which is very different to mine, but he finds the mechanics of my little business as interesting as I do the workings of his bigger one. He also loves me... always a bonus :)

Mum has been overseas again, this time to the US, florida to be more exact. She spent a lot of time waiting in queues at disney world, negotiated driving on the other side of the road, in the other side of a car, around DamYank highways and cities - truly heroic in my opinion! She also had lunch with an astronaut... unlike most people who say they went to "lunch with an astronaut" at Kennedy Space Centre, she was actually seated at his table! Long story, many many thanks to Ryan for saving her a fortune on international shipping and getting the tickets safely and rapidly to where they needed to be :) *hugs*

Really, I must sleep now though. As much as I am thrilled to finally achieve an update and have probably forgotten important things, it is 2am, i've already worked the better part of 13 hours today (on a public holiday) and have more to achieve in the morning to make deadline. I'll add more tomorrow if I think of it.

Nice to be blogging again though... I've missed it

'07

2007-01-09T20:50:00.000+13:00

So its the beginning of a new year, bursting with promise

Last year I decided too late that I wanted to enter the WOW wearable arts awards... this year it isn't too late, and I already have an idea. I think its a pretty cool idea but am still fine tuning it.

So I ask - beg even - any of you 3 (maybe 4) people who ever read this - if you wanna hear about this design and maybe throw a couple of comments and suggestions into it... I'd love the help! Who knows, after a short chat about it I might decide its stupid and change tactic entirely - or I may get a better image of what I'm already heading towards and know what direction to go. All help is appreciated ;)

This year has potential I think. This year I am already out of Palmerston North (yay!!), already have my business running-ish, already have much of what I really need. Time to focus on me a little, give a crap about myself instead of putting myself aside for everyone else and for work. Not entirely sure how to do that yet, but working on it. I think I'll start with doing things I enoy more often. Read more, go on more photographic expeditions, paint, walk, explore. Ah look - a place to start - my life is better already!

I've decided it is time to try not being single for a while. This for me is weird - I've been alone a long time and i'm really good at being single. No idea why, just seems to have worked out that way. Thought I'd try getting slightly more practised at not being single for a change... see how long that idea lasts!

Also I'm in a new city now, I need more friends. I need places to go and people to talk to. I need to stop shutting myself away at work and get the hell out there! I used to have people around me all the time - self employment can be a social life killer but it doesn't have to be so I'm not going to let it any more. I *really* miss having people to talk to. I must get in touch with a few old online friends as well - I miss chatting for hours or minutes, whenever our timezones and schedules allowed. I made some excellent friends online, met a few of them as well and would hate to lose touch altogether.

Anyway, yes, I plan to make this year a good one. It is off to a decent start already and I mean to make it continue that way.

So to share my greatest words of wisdom, a motto a friend and I created (over several alcoholic drinks most likely) and I have tried to live by every day since.....

Don't fuck it up.

try it - it works ;)

so close...

2006-12-19T17:58:00.000+13:00

Well I am almost at a point where I can return to sanity - or as close to it as I ever was, which isn't probably very close.... but that's the way I like it ;)

the season's traditional visions of sugarplums have carefully avoided dancing in my head, and have been replaced by visions of relaxing evenings, time to read and especially time to spend on "certain things" I am involved in which are important to me (and I have felt increasing guilty for not participating as much as I would like lately). Simple dreams which feel so unreachable, but in only a few *not so short* days will be fulfilled.

My business' christmas rush is almost over. I have been working between 14 and 18 hours a day for the past 5 weeks, without a single day off, and it is seriously taking its toll. I feel old and haggard, unattractive and unappreciated.... but soon, very soon, the rush will be over, I'll enjoy some time off followed by a lighter workload, and the money will start pouring in for the work I've done, though of course having just set up the business in a new city, most if not all of said money will simply pay my set-up costs.

Right now though, oney is the last thing on my mind - gotta make the deadlines before the money comes in - so a few more days in my little sweat-shop and I'll start to realise those dreams

Then the sugar-plums will be free to dance, more than likely assisted by a large bottle of something extremely tasty and alcoholic!

should that be in my coffee?!?

2006-12-04T20:19:00.000+13:00

Um no, it shouldn't

The "it" in question is none other than a small blade, generally used in cafes to cut open plastic milk refills. However yesterday afternoon it wasn't in its regular place, sitting on the top of a Starbucks espresso machine or feebly attached to the side of a milk steaming jug, but at the bottom of my venti white chocolate mocha.

Needless to say, since I swirled the cup one last time to blend the dregs of syrup into my coffee and heard an odd "thunk" sound in my cup, only to discover my unsolicited little friend half floating in the perfect bacteria-growing temperature liquid, I have become more than a little preoccupied with ideas of where that little blade has been.

Now this blade is actually a sharp thing, reasonably well protected in it's little plastic casing but still a threat to the unwary consumer. Preying more on my mind right now though is the fact that it is undoubtedly, in some way, dirty.

The child/manager I spoke to swore to me that they have strict hand-washing policies at Starbucks. I accept and appreciate that they have very strict rules. As I pointed out to same child/manager, we have very strict rules at my house also, but I am the only person I can guarantee actually washes their hands at all, so realistically their policies mean nothing to me. Especially considering this is an inner city Starbucks, exceptionally busy at times and people are always in a hurry. So are staff when they use the bathroom. Add to that the fact that this is a cutting blade we are talking about. It usually has no direct contact with food, only plastic.... so if it gets dropped on the floor and kicked around a little, pick it up and use it again! Why not?

Well they may be about to find out why not. When I spoke with the child/manager about it, she attempted to take the "evidence" out the back to be disposed of. She heard my voice raise a little at that point, when I insisted rather firmly that she couldn't have it. Whether I decided to take any action or not, it was in fact, potential evidence. So when I left, it went with me.

I live in New Zealand. We can't sue here.... at least I don't think so (am finding out and sure as hell will if I can). The Health Department on the other hand was very interested when I spoke to them this morning. They are planning on taking it rather seriously. Will update on progress if and when I get it.

In the end, My little sharp friend will join the exclusive ranks of other interesting and intimidating looking obejcts, in a small plastic container, on a shelf in the offices of the health department.

As for me? I assume after a while the feeling I have in my stomach and the thoughts which haunt my dreams will fade and disappear. Hopefully the sweaty little hands which have touched the blade were completely disease-free and my coffee was the same. And I at least have an interesting new story to tell ;)

All work and no play...

2006-10-24T23:07:00.000+13:00

I feel like a dull girl right now

Since I moved into this new workroom, business has really picked up. I've been working late almost every night, and when I'm not working late it is usually because I fell asleep ridiculously early from sheer exhaustion!

It is a good thing though. I have some pretty major bills to pay, and at this rate I'm thinking there will be no issue with paying them - sooner than I thought. That makes me *very* happy - the last thing I want is debt continually hanging over my head... it's been long enough.

I wonder sometimes what would happen if i had something more in my life though. Business is all that has kept me occupied for so long that it becomes difficult to imagine anything else trying to steal time from work, though after not too long of working at this pace, I stop liking myself much. I feel boring and one dimensional and I know there's more to me than this.

Oh - and I quit trying to stabilise my wireless internet - no use trying, it just suxx, so I'm going back to hardwiring. Besides... in 3 days my ISP goes to full-speed broadband with unlimited bandwidth usage, so I wanna be ready for that!

So without raving on any further about work, work and more work, I send out my apologies to those I have been crap at keeping in touch with - I'll try and get better, promise!

...and anyone who sees me signed in - say hi!
It has probably been far too long since we chatted anyway ;) ... as i said - i've been slack but I'm trying to improve! really I am! (convinced yet?)

"I love it when a plan comes together"

2006-10-04T20:01:00.000+13:00

wow, 3 months since my last entry, and so much has changed

I'm loving Christchurch. This city is gorgeous, seriously. The blossoms and daffodils are almost gone now but a few weeks ago, practically overnight, the dead looking trees of winter exploded into a spectacular display of whites and pinks lining the streets and scattered through the parks. The spurt of growth in the grass marking the beginning of a new season suddenly became a carpet of daffodils and bluebells, and the ducks all had little balls of fluff following them around everywhere.... and the best part... zero hayfever!

This past weekend daylight savings started or finished - whichever one gives you an extra hour of daylight - loving it lots! I feel like I finish work so early and have so much daytime left when I get home. Feeling the need to start barbecuing soon.

One of the most amazing things I've found here has been how much family I have. I've met cousins I hadn't seen in 20 yrs or so. We've only ever known each other as kids, so its pretty cool to meet again as adults and see how much we have in common - a lot in some cases.

Last week I spent a few days out with commercial real estate agents. Slimy pack of bastards, always working in their own interest rather than yours, but in the end I found a place that suits me. I was looking for a workroom for my business, and for the longest time it seemed I had a choice between a poky little office which wouldn't fit my 6x9' cutting table let alone industrial sewing machines as well - for about $8000 plus tax per year.... or small retail type units, clean and slightly larger, but at around $12000 plus tax per year too expensive for my little business to commit to. It was getting depressing
...Until an agent showed me a space that I loved from the start. It is huge! A main room the size of a large lounge, a single bedroom sized room off the workroom which I can use as a small showroom, a good sized storage room, a kitchen with table and chairs, shower room, laundry, bathroom and toilet. at about 4 times (or more) the size of the other places I looked at, and at $9000 a year plus tax, I jumped at the chance to take it. It took a little begging, a little negotiation, a lot of stress and a whole lot of waiting around, but I beat out the other applicants and moved this past weekend.

So now not only do I have a place to more successfully run the business from, but I have MY SPACE which I do miss at home. Much as I love my family, living with them again after so long on my own is tough to say the least, so having a place I can spend time without them is just what I needed.

As far as business goes, I picked up another contract which will hopefully keep me reasonably busy along with the one I still have from Palmerston North. It is for a company who does all the drapes and blinds for a large spec housing company, so for me this could be a very good thing. Also, My sister is renovating one of their rental houses here and wants me to deal with all the drapes, curtains and blinds in the house. Big house, lotta drapes n blinds! So for all the money I had to borrow from the bank to get into this workroom, it looks like I'm heading in the right direction to being on track to paying it all back when it is due.

Haven't had as much time as I would like lately to sit at the computer. I currently have the wireless connection from hell, and am constantly disconnected. Makes playing game difficult because I have to re-start every time I disconnect, takes a while and I lose patience rapidly. Also, for the past week with all the real estate wheeling and dealing, then the moving, I have been just plain exhausted and sleeping early. Now that all the heavy stuff is already up the stairs though, I should be able to spend more time where I really want to be - online and off.

Last night for example, I was out at a local irish pub with my cousin Alannah, getting extremely drunk. Sure helped the aching muscles ;) Great band too: they play every tuesday night, so I think I'll make it a regular weekly relaxing session - bourbon-fuelled or not!

So tonight I'm not moving, sorting or sleeping for a change. I plan to watch a movie on tv with my brother (already started, oops) then head in-game for a while. Can't wait.

2006-07-06T11:11:00.000+12:00

Well I made it. I now live in the South Island again

I know it is a good move, pretty early in the settling in stage though, so i often find myself wondering what the hell I've done.

Right now My sister and her new son are visiting from Ireland, and living in what *will* be my room for a month, so I get to bunk with my mother - ack! I also don't have anywhere to unpack anything to, so I live out of a suitcase.

I am trying to set up my business again, but my pre-arranged workroom fell through and so far I haven't found an alternative other than the kitchen table - working from home was NOT what I planned, but in the meantime it will have to do.

So for the past week my life has been spent running from one place to another trying to set up new accounts to make the business run from here - big city, can take half a day to organise one small thing, and there are many small things to do!

Social life has picked up already - all the friends who left town in Palmerston North seemed to go here, and many old friends from Dunedin days have migrated this direction as well, so lots of catching up going on. Going out tonight to surprise one of them tonight, that will be fun.

I've had DSL internet at home longer than most in NZ - it was expensive and not advertised when I had it connected. A couple years later they advertised it and started deals etc - now they are giving away DSL modems and the deals are far better than when I first signed up. So I've been online basically 24/7 for the past 5 years - not sitting at the PC but it was always instantly there when I wanted it..... So its a little disturbing for me to have to share the connection with my brother. Will need to get a wireless network set up in the near future because I'm just not used to the internet not being a constant convenience. Shopping around for a good deal on a fast wireless set-up to sort that one out.

So things have changed pretty majorly for me recently. Popped into Uru a few times since i got the PC set up but so far not for long because there's always an appointment to get to..... that will sort itself out soon enough... More time will become available. Town hall meeting tomorrow I must make it to though, to actually spend a little time talking would be nice.... i do miss it.

Hopefully Beta will start soon too - I doubt I'll be in the first group for it, but it will be exciting when I do get in! Really looking forward to being as involved in it as I can - experiencing what everyone from prologue has been talking about - can't wait :)

Yeah. So thats me right now - upheaval, insecurity, growing lack of money lol - but headed in the right direction. Off now to do some work so I can at least fix the money part!

;)

and the verdict is.....

2006-06-19T19:34:00.000+12:00

they love me... they *really* love me!!

Today I had "The Talk" with the manager of my major contract, hoping against hope that he would agree to let me work from the south island and keep their contract... or at worst, to arrange what work I would need to finish before I leave and what date i'll have to cut off accepting work.

Well...

Not only were they so devastated at the thought of losing me that the huge extra cost involved in shipping everything inter-island to and from my new workroom is no obstacle, but they pointed out that I haven't had a pay rise in a while and are going to review that this week!

They said they will miss my presence (and loud music in the workroom) but finding someone else who can do all that I can would be near impossible.

I said that not only were they great to be around and to work for and with, but that they "appreciate the miracle of Me" (in quotes because I actually said it like that *giggles*)

So now when I move, I will have a couple of days' rest, then my business can carry on as usual instantly. If I get the prison job I'll do both... if not i'll have a while to look for another contract on top of this one.

*grins* I am one proud chikkie

*wanders off singing "Nobody Does it Better"*

ack

2006-06-15T19:41:00.000+12:00

shit

So I sent away my application for the prison job last night. Now i play the waiting game. I'm pretty confident I'll at least get an interview, but I'm not sure whether I even *want* the job.

I've lived alone a long time now, 9 years. I love it. Now i'm moving to another city, living with my family again for a while, giving up my space, my privacy (even the sanctuary of your own room vanishes when there's a 10yr old in the house) and my freedom.

If I get this job as well, i'll lose the last of the life I have built for myself.

Trying to fit my entire life into as few boxes as possible and throwing out so very much is exhausting, but I still have a business to run and a life to live, and there aren't enough hours in the day lately to do all that and get more than a few hours sleep each night. The lack of sleep is taking its toll today

I know I will love being in Christchurch. It is a gorgeous city and having family around again will be incredible. My best friend is there, and it is only a few hours' drive from Dunedin where I used to live, so I can take a few weekend breaks down there as well.

There are really at least as many positives about this move as negatives or unknowns, but right now, it just feels like too much change to handle all at once

Screw this, I'm gonna go out tonight, drink way too much and sing my heart out!

Curve Ball - part deux

2006-06-08T01:53:00.000+12:00

[bigass rant]

Damn, a 2am blogging session is not what I had planned for the night…I was thinking more along the lines of sleep

I’m already overtired though, and when I’m overtired I think, lose sleep and get more tired – not my fave scenario but here we are!

So tonight I’m thinking about prison. Not hard to click what got me started on this train of thought if you read the previous post, but right now I’m not thinking about the job.

This time last year, I helped send my father to prison. Yet another long story which I will eventually tell, but the short version is that he molested my niece (and others), and about a year ago we sent him away for it.

Thing is, I’m pissed at him. Not only for what he did, but for the fact that he forced us all into the position of going through multiple trials and carrying the guilt of sending a 70 yr old man to prison. Made a little girl go through physical and psychological examinations, made his son want to kill him. Made me have to have *that* conversation with a child who has no idea what body parts are for, to try and determine the extent of what happened – the questions the police couldn’t ask directly and a child couldn’t understand indirectly.

And for destroying the work that I had done over the past several years on our relationship. When I was about 15, he and Mum divorced, and we had Sunday visits. They were boring and we hated them. Eventually I grew up a little, left school and started an grown-up life, so I decided it was time to learn about Dad and get to know him as a person as well as a parent. I liked him. I invested time energy and emotions into that relationship and it vanished, just like that.

Surely it wouldn’t take more than half a brain to know that the act of getting your rocks off by messing with a 6year old girl would have further consequences? How stupid can you be to think that a child, with all the personal safety education in schools now, would not tell? Her father is your son, aunties are your daughters – ya those relationships are gone too. In fact your entire family gets stomped into the mud. Sinead isn’t the only victim here, Surely he would’ve known that? Selfish bastard
[/bigass rant]

I also miss him

Curve Ball

2006-06-07T23:17:00.000+12:00

well things just get more and more interesting!

Just as I had convinced Mum and almost convinced myself that keeping my business running after I move would be the way to go... a very interesting job prospect appears

My best friend Jonny (who has just started reading this bloggy, hi Jonny!) works with an organisation which amongst other things, assists fathers in gaining access to their children. One of the things Jonny helps some of these fathers to do is find a job... and along the way he finds the odd gem of a position. Yesterday he found one that screamed my name

I'm reserving judgement until I recieve the job description which I requested today, but this sounds like enough of a challenge to actually keep me interested

I'm actually considering being an Apparel Instructor in a women's prison. I would never have pictured myself in that position before, but whenever I tell people about it, they unanimously agree that it would be perfect for me... not quite sure how to take that! :P

Now that I think about it, I can see myself there. I would be training inmates nearing the end of their sentences to re-enter the workforce, teaching them a skill in an industry which is currently desperate for workers. I myself would be trained in many aspects of prison work, cultural awareness, policy & legislation, along with full support in completing or undertaking any related study. All that and what I assume (yet to be confirmed) would be quite a healthy pay packet.

I have no formal teaching qualification, but it isn't mentioned in the position brief as a requirement. I have however found myself in teaching positions several times before. I'm a DAMN good teacher (if i do say so myself). well, really i'm damn good at pretty much anything that interests me enough to hold my attention, but that's another matter entirely. When I teach, I take the time to make sure that mu students not only understand what i'm telling them, but understand the reasoning behind the lesson as well - that way they actually remember what they learn, and are capable of altering the mechanics of the concept to suit other purposes. Takes a few minutes longer, but it works well. I am pleased and impressed with my students when they prove their understanding rather than just remember facts.

Anyway, it has been a while since I've done any teaching, but i do remember it being as rewarding as it is exhausting, and I do seem to fit all the other requirements of the position so far, so i'm going for it. If i don't get the job or if I change my mind, I still have my business.

2006-06-01T17:41:00.000+12:00

good day today... long but good

I spent the morning with Mum, talked about what each of our expectations are when I move, had coffee and enjoyed the winter sunshine.

That was a huge relief... yesterday after I had seen her, I got home in full panic mode ,vented at full force to a friend (sorry again and thanks R, hugs), and drank what ended up being the best bottle of wine ive ever had. Eventually I found something to focus on and chilled out.

Today when I made it to my workroom, I started assessing why I freaked out and what was actually behind it.

I've done my time living with flatmates/housemates. Some were great, some were ummm... not so great... but for the past 9 years i've lived alone. I love it. Sure it gets lonely occasionally - but that's when you go out, go visiting, have guests... then get your own space back. My alone time has become very important to me.

When I go to Christchurch, for the first while i'll be staying with Mum, my brother and his daughter. That's a pretty serious compromise on my part "personal space"-wise, and it has scared me more than I knew.

I have also been trying to decide what I'll do for work when I get there, whether I'll continue my business or get a job. Well i thought about that a LOT today, and what I came up with is a plan that could work out really well.

I love what I do. The designing and dressmaking side of my business is fun but seasonal and not very dependable. The contract work though is good money. Last year I had a tough time but there were many reasons behind that. What I love the most is that I can schedule my own time. I can take time off in the day, sometimes take whole days off for no good reason, and work at night instead. In quieter months I can take vacations whenever I want, or in regualr months as long as I clear my workload before I go. If there's something I need (or usually just want) the business can get it for me... considering it is doing well enough

Last year was bad enough that I forgot how it was when it was good - it was really good. I travelled, bought my car and computer, travelled, shopped... all reasonably easily. I want that again

I want to continue the business. I want a workroom separate from home so that I can get away from the family when I want. I am about to present a proposal to one of my contracts to work remotely. It's a good proposal, hope they agree that it's the best option for all of us :)

So there's more thinking to do but right now I feel better. I feel like I can do this, that i want to do this. I had a momentary lapse of reason, but now I'm back to my positively weird self.

so, no more freak-outs... promise! ;)

More Packing

2006-05-18T21:40:00.000+12:00

Mum is coming to visit. This will be fun *cough cough*

She is coming up for her husband's birthday (dont even ask why he lives here and she lives there and they're still together) and while she's here she will look at my place and how i've packed 18 bokes for moving already - and you can't notice a difference in the place yet *sigh* so I'll hear ALL about that - but I'll also get as much help as she has time for :)

I guess i'll focus on packing more this weekend

I just wish i *knew* this was a good move. I don't really doubt it will be, but I've spent 8 years digging this rut I'm in, and it's hard to leave.

I still don't know what I'll do when I get there, whether I'll carry on my business as I have been (only with hopefully more and better contracts) or do I learn from getting burned by quiet year last year and just get a "real job"?

sometimes there are too many decisions to be made at once.

For this weekend at least, I'll stick to packing

and singing - no work, I get to go out for a change! yayyy! :P

Momentum

2006-05-03T00:57:00.000+12:00

Life is full of moments. Some are beautiful, some sad, some are so magical they stay with you forever. I have been privileged enough to witness several of the truly Magical Moments, and two of them have stuck with me more than any other.

The first was the change in my brother, the moment he held his new baby daughter in his hands. She was so tiny and fragile, and in that Moment I could see the simple, pure knowledge in his eyes, that he would always care for her, protect her and love her above anything.

The second brought me to the point of tears at the time, and still does every time I remember it.

My sisters wedding day was beautiful. It was windy and as stressful as a wedding day is expected to be. Of course it was fun, but one thing after another, from breakfast to hair and make-up, to getting dressed, battling for shower time, competitiveness over the bride’s attentions, the limousine arriving early, the pearls being left at the house where the men were making their own preparations – everything was a whirlwind of speed and colour.

When the time finally came to make the trek up the aisle, I was the first to go. I remember trying to time my steps just right, and then, halfway to the front, I decided I was walking fine, and looked up. I looked directly into the face of Tony, my soon to be brother-in law. He looked so incredibly handsome and calm, and focussed, first on my progress towards him, then on Meg’s, and finally on Tess, being escorted up the aisle by Mum.

If I had, for a split second, been looking in the wrong direction, I would have missed it. That Moment, that flash in his eyes. When he saw Tess walking towards him, she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, and in that Moment everything was perfect and right.

Lifetimes are lived on the memory of a single Moment, civilizations are changed for the promise of one. Music, art and literature are inspired by the mere thought of that singular instant, the idea that something so simple can make the struggle worthwhile.

I believe that we live for those Moments. We work, we make mistakes and we question the point of everything. Then a Moment happens to us and for an instant nothing is wrong, nothing needs explanation or justification, everything is where it should be. It is these Moments that keep us going; seeing them in others, the hope of them happening to ourselves, the memories of the ones we knew.

Sometimes the Moments stop. These are the times which are the hardest because living on past memories can only keep us happy for so long. It is all too easy (as I well know) to bury ourselves in work, books, games, things that give us pleasure, to hide in the familiar rather than watch for the Moments that we are afraid may never come.

That, my friends, is a waste. So to coin a phrase, My advice is to.....

Live for the Moment ;)

disclaimer: do not take my appalling lack of a life as any kind of example, go find a Moment, geez! :P

To those who have been waiting for it...

2006-04-23T20:29:00.000+12:00

ell... i've been promising long enough that I would tell the gritty details of my family and the events surrounding us - about time i tried... again (warning - LONG post)

So my big brother Allan (2 yrs older). Hes great. Intelligent, intellectual, creative, interesting, hilarious and when he makes the attempt, pretty hot (even from a sister's perspective)... that's him with our sister Tess on her wedding day in the pic :)

Allan had a tramping accident when he was 15. His head was squished between his backpack and a rock. The tramp supervisors assessed him as being fine and continued with the tramp - but they were wrong... he got scarring on the brain resulting in trauma induced epilepsy and diabetes. Pretty difficult to deal with at that age - for everyone. He also developed a tendency toward depression. He became a career student, not having the confidence to do anything else, and hung out with the hardcore "Dunedin students", meaning loads of alcohol, dope, curries, poverty and as little actual study as possible. This didn't help his situation much.

Then he met Jackie. I'll explain more, but for now define her as an escaped mental patient. When he met her, she *said* she had voluntarily released herself, and that she was in there for eating disorders, depression, anything she could think of that was minor and relatively insignifcant.... more on that later.

They fell in love "warts and all" and were married in 1995. Sinead was born about 6 months before the wedding, a beautiful, sweet-hearted little girl. So now they were a family and things seemed fine for a few years. In fact they weren't... Jackie ended up being one of Allans bigger mistakes.

Turns out everything about her was lies. It seems long before we ever met her she had some extremely serious mental issues - though the legal system here means that even if we had been suspicious, there was no way we could have known.

She regained custody of her older daughter (then age 8) a couple years after they were married. It was a battle, but she won... though through her family, we later found out the reason she had lost her in the first place was because she had attempted to burn down the house... with her baby in it. When she met Allan and said she had "voluntarily checked out" of the mental hospital - nope again... she was "sectioned" (committed by the courts) and had escaped - the police were searching for her.

So after a few years of seeming married bliss, Jackie started falling apart again. She had been working as a registered nurse in geriatric nursing homes, small ones where she could easily gain seniority. She was also claiming ACC (accident compensation we have here instead of the ability to sue) illegally, and was on a benefit for being a solo parent: claiming to be separated. Somehow, even with all those incomes, they were always short of money, and often moved house on Jackie's whim. Turns out that's because all the money went on her secret alcohol and drug habit and every time they moved, it was because she hadn't even paid rent, spent that too.

Then one day, she took the kids and left. No notice, didnt say where, just gone. Allan was confused and distraught, but after a couple of months of searching he found them. Jackie had left town - another whim. She asked him to move there with them, which of course he did, and things were good again for a few months until she left again, same thing. Again, after he found them, she asked him to join them and he followed. This time she didn't run, but asked him to leave, and take Sinead with him. They were in the same town and visited reguarly but were separated.... and this time the town they lived in was near where Mum and I lived.

We drove to see them once a week, sometimes bringing them here for weekends. Eventually they moved here as well, Jackie followed Allan this time. Big difference in the "game" she played this time though... Allan had Sinead - normally her bargaining chip. This time when Jackie asked Allan to come back, Allan said no. He had had enough of hiding the mental and physical abuse she had been inflicting for years, and was finally in a position to stay away, and to keep Sinead safe. Jackie had lost power and wasn't happy about it.

That's when the trouble started.... no.... that's when she stopped hiding it, when she started coming over to his house and beating him up in front of Sinead, abusing him in the street, calling him and our mother at all hours of the night with more abuse. She drunk more obviously, trashing several of the places she lived, scaring her housemates so badly they got non-trespass orders against her. At one point I was visiting Allan on the evening after some trouble she had caused during the day. we were outside talking and drinking coffee, Sinead was asleep inside. I heard what I thought was a hedgehog snuffling under the house... until about 10 minutes later when i still heard the noise and looked - only to find Jackie under there, rotten drunk, hiding under the house listening to everything we were saying. We called the police who apprehended her just around the corner - they witnessed her turning to run from them, falling and hitting her head on a fencepost, and then blaming Allan for hitting her.... That's about when they started to see her for who she is.

Eventually Allan petitioned the court for a full and final protection order adn was granted one. This meant that if she breached the conditions set by the court (no contact of any kind) she would be arrested rather than slapped on the hand. She breached it the night after it was served on her. She was arrested and sectioned to the mental ward at the hospital (deja vu?), from where she escaped and was on the run (and a huge drinking/drug binge) for 2 weeks.

After this going on for altogether too long, on lawyers' and police advice, Mum Allan and Sinead changed their names and moved cities.We don't have witness protection programs here, too much of a do-it-yourself country... so they did-it-themselves. I couldnt leave town, but still had to go into hiding in case I was subpoenaed by the court for information. I spent a year (i'm a little more relaxed now, but not much) petrified that Jackie would come to get their contact details from me. I'm not covered by the protection order, and can't be until she actually does something to me. So far nothing, but shes always unpredictable and is still fighting... fighting for the win rather than custody, she doesn't actually want Sinead, but doesn't like to lose.

She was assessed as having antisocial/psychopathic personality disorder. Unfortunately this means shes not going to get any better, so we just keep on looking over our shoulders, hiding and hoping that she stays away. Personally i gave up on hiding. Nothing better than spending an entire summer locked indoors, paranoid about personal protection, afraid to walk around to the corner store... to make you stop caring. If she comes now, so be it. At least that way, i'll be able to get some legal protection. That said.... i completely doubt she will come through me now, she's left me out of it too long to bother, so i'm not really worried any more

There may be more deatils on these characters in the story of my life, but they can be told as needed in future posts.

So enough for that story - my apologies for the length... but you were warned ;)

next part... Dad, and why I don't think I have one any more :\

tough day

2006-04-12T22:26:00.000+12:00

I'm thoroughly sick of the way i let people at work walk all over me!

Yesterday I got a call from one contract, asking if two blinds which weren't previously urgent could be moved up and finished today... not so bad considering they were already started and not huge, so i agreed. That contract is pretty good to me - more work, more respect, more fun, nicer people. They know what I can do (sometimes better than I do myself) and they use it to their advantage... but they also appreciate me and treat me well.

Today while I was at the workroom making those two, the other contract called me on my cell, asking that a blind which was due to be finished on the 19th could be done by the 18th...

....doesn't sound too bad huh? well not until you realise that the 18th is the day after the easter break, and theyre closed over easter... therefore the blind needs to be finished before easter... a.k.a tomorrow.... and this blind is massive (9ft wide x 7ft long) !!

so i got grumpy and stayed that way, fuming under my breath and tying my stomach in knots until - well - until i got to run around in UU after work and talk to people who don't demand the earth of me!

so now its 10.30pm and i've only scratched the surface of what they want me to do, and my attitude just changed. They cant have it tomorrow. They can have it by the end of the easter break as agreed, but only if they arrange to meet me at the store sometime during the break.

They can't do this to me any more. I do it to myself regularly enough via procrastination and overcommitment, but thats MY choice - I will not destroy myself for them. I have done this for them for 3 years now, and its about time they started to show as much loyalty to me as I have to them.

so there

i'm going to sleep

Edit:

2006-04-12T09:07:00.000+12:00

Editing my totally *cough* official campaign slogan to include yet another running joke a friend reminded me of...

"GingerDiva: tasty and dangerous.... and firm, like mutton"

*blink*

More Politics

2006-04-10T00:34:00.000+12:00

and so it begins...

Tonight I had a chat with a slacker. Um so? no big deal? well it wasn't to me, in fact it was a good chat, but it almost broke my heart when he thanked me for saying hello because most people don't any more, simply because of his associations. wtf? he hadn't done anything to me personally, so why wouldn't I talk to him? This is where these battles hurt, when explorers won't talk to each other because someone else started a fight. That's so sad.

You know i'm actually glad i haven't campaigned much if at all. I have not once directly sought a vote, and have deliberately stayed out of discussions on the DRC forum. Tonight a few of us joked about a campaign slogan for me, but that's as far as it has gone.... oh and we settled on something like "GingerDiva: Tasty and dangerous" yeah, real serious campaigning lol

But you know, i have had a few PMs from other explorers telling me they voted for me. Some i know well, some I have only met a few times, if that! That makes me feel so good.

I know I don't have a chance at election, but that even a few people think of me... as a friend or as someone who was kind and helped them on their first visit to the cavern (and whenever else they asked), as someone who would be a good liaison or just as someone fun to be around.... that they remember me when the time comes to check a box just makes me feel good. Nothing to do with politics, just as confirmation that I have been the kind of person I want to be.

I voted too. Fortunately for my conscience, my votes went to people I consider to be friends and who would make great liaisons, so from here I leave it up to the general populace to make the final decision.....

though there are another few days left.... still time to campaign if i feel the urge ;)

2006-04-04T10:34:00.000+12:00

ok so now i really miss my big brother.

I'm currently in two minds as to whether or not i should enter the wearable arts awards this year (see earlier post).... three months is just so short a time, especially when i'm trying to do so many other things in that time. But i want to do it! this is something ive been wanting for years, and finally i have the motivation at the right time, albeit a few months later than i would prefer.

Problem is, i'm having trouble kick-starting my brain into that kind of creative mode, switching from practical to complete fantasy

now my brother.... has his problems. He isn't shall we say, the most motivated or talkative person on the planet, but get him started on something, any interesting topic - then try to shut him up - not gonna happen! he also has a beautifully warped creative mind

so when i need to think about something like this, i pick up my paper and pencil, jump in the car and rush over to his place, we drink copious amounts of coffee, eat blue cheese and crackers, and inspire each other. I usually come out with several viable concepts or at very least the right frame of mind to start

but its not the same on the phone (though i think ill try tonight just in case) and now hes in Christchurch and i'm not (yet), so a quick trip in the car becomes a 12 hour drive.

Maybe i should stop thinking about entering for this year and make the inspiration session another piece of motivation for my move...

but i want to enter.....

*sigh*

enigma

2006-03-31T01:20:00.000+12:00

I am an enigma
Don’t try to understand me, I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work
I’ll just surprise and confuse you, as I do myself
I’m far more intelligent than I let on, far less confident than I will show.
I’m a cynical hopeless romantic
I love long in-depth conversations about complete crap
I’m one of the strongest people I have ever met… but I can crumple with the best of them
I equally love and hate myself, often simultaneously
But never undervalue me or underestimate me
I am worth the effort
Enigma is good…. I think

fresh

2006-03-20T13:55:00.000+12:00

i've started getting ready to move. I have no idea when this is actually going to happen, sometime in the next couple of months though, so I at least have a vague timeframe to work with.

Today i pulled everything out of my linen closet. Big mistake, when you consider 2 things:

1: i have a LOT of linen; bed bath and table. My mother and I were in business a few years ago, first in retail, we had a shop where we stocked and sold (and "acquired") some of the finest linens in the world, so i have some gooooood stuff!

it had been so long since i even saw a lot of it, that i got all emotional about it when i un-buried it from the rest.... i'm SUCH a freak!

2: I have no boxes. I'm trying to sort all this stuff, give away what I don't want any more, I have taken all this linen out of the closet, and now its laid all over my bed... but unless i want to put it right back where i got it from, there's nowhere to put it!

i think, in the back of my mind, that the idea in doing this was to use the linen closet to put boxes of things that are ready to move. I guess I had better go get boxes - MORE than i need for right now, in preparation for my next un-anticipated burst of energy!

This move worries me though. For so many reasons. I know it is a move i've been meaning to make for the past 10 years and i'm thrilled that i am finally making it, but for some reason i have a bad feeling about it.

Must stop thinking about it and just do it - i will have a better life there, I will be near my family, and a half day's drive from several old friends. I love Christchurch as a city, hate Palmerston North. There is a much higher population there than here, so my business shouldn't have too many problems settling back into operation when i get there - i am even planning to start getting the leg work done from here, get a few contracts organised in advance and hopefully start almost immediately.

So there is definitely more good in going than staying. If i stayed, nothing would change. ever.
and believe me, things need to change.

apparently starting with boxes!

WOW

2006-03-14T22:15:00.000+13:00

Top: Smokefree Design Awards entry
Bottom: Wools of New Zealand Awards entry

It has been ages since i entered in any design competition. Ages meaning 1999 i think, havent really had time since then, been too busy designing what other people want rather than lettting my imagination go nutz

Well we have reached the time of year here, for New Zealand's biggest annual design awards, and i am finally inspired again!

For those of you who have no idea what i'm raving on about, check this awesome site...

http://www.worldofwearableart.com/

i've never entered. Its a pretty intimidating thing to consider, the standards are so high - but i know i'm up to it. I've entered and made finals in competitions like this before, just more mainstream. I want to do this though, i want to free my mind and create something dreams, or nightmares are made of

Big commitment, small budget.... sounds like a challenge

i like a challenge :P

2006-03-11T01:07:00.000+13:00

ack! still sick :(

was scheduled to work today and tomorrow morning at my part time job but yesterday i wasn't doing so well, and getting worse, so I went in to tell them they didn't really want me around their customers...

apparently being sick isn't enough to get sick leave there when the manager has had a tough week :
so i've had a crap day, crap morning coming tomorrow *sigh*

reminder to myself: next time i get sick, QUIT... that way at least i get to vegetate on the couch when i need to!

gotta get better soon though, getting sick of this soooo fast, and deadlines only move so far....

politics

2006-03-07T20:33:00.000+13:00

i'm sick...

hayfever again, i am so blocked up i cant breathe, my eyeballs feel like they're being forced out of my skull and my throat hurts. Basically im plain miserable.

Apart from feeling like crap, i'm fine - still working, still making deadlines (so far)... and there are more coming soon apparently - i have been pre-warned lol

Feeling pissed off though. Not sure what at exactly, so i'm just taking it out on whatever I feel like at any given time. So far people have been safe, see how i feel tomorrow ;)

So, Cavern. The great political race, the biggest popularity contest of the year. The chance for explorers to boost their egos and suck up to the "powers that be" who are probably gonna end up running against them anyway. Some are thoroughly immersed in their IC personas, some of those personae slip or are tossed aside when inconvenient. Some run because they want to help the community, some think they are the community and some just wanna hang with the cyantists and add to their name-dropping opportunities.

Its an interesting experiment to watch. Much as i'd love to do it, to be a rep, there's no way i could. I'm simply not popular enough, don't speak enough languages, don't have every intimate detail of D'ni history committed to memory, and wasn't around for Live. All things which seem to be becoming required qualifications. I just like to be there, to share in conversation, offer assistance, play games and explore with the others there. I don't care who's been there longest, who belongs to what guilds or forums or frankly, what people think of me. I DO care that people are all well taken care of in there, that the "house rules" are followed, that if someone needs help, they get it, and of course i am curious as to what will happen to UU in future...... but i can wait. I have a knack of seeing to the heart of an issue and dealing with it, knowing the right way to communicate in a given situation, live in a timezone that overlaps all other major ones, am self employed and can schedule my time to be there when i need to, and with a few exceptions am generally well liked (i think), just not often thought of lol ;)... but thats not important in this race. I'm not big enough or loud enough to be considered... and exactly the same can be said for so many others in there.

I think what really gets at me though, is that we are ALL just explorers down there. No matter how popular a person is, how important they have been made or have made themselves, what position they hold on other shards... we are all the same in D'mala. This is a new shard, a new start on equal footing. I have met hundreds of new people, caught up with several others i haven't seen in a while, and seen the same old heirarchy falling right back into place. sad....

...sad but they'll be elected, simply because they always are.

almost forgot...

2006-03-02T23:29:00.000+13:00

.... the link to me singing now works - well mostly lol - it downloads the cavern Podcast8 - a bigger download than i would like, but i havent found another free MP3 hosting site that doesn't insist on pop-ups yet. So for now, if you wanna hear me sing, I'm on right after the GreyDragon interview :)

2006-03-02T21:42:00.000+13:00

My brother was here staying on my couch for a couple nights, left this morning - i meant to get him into cavern to visit, but we were too busy watching awful movies, oh well

He was in town as a witness in a yet another trial against his ex wife Jackie. Shes a psychopath - no really, she was diagnosed last year!

So yet again, my life was turned upside down to accommodate my family. Amazing how they assume they can walk over me and disrupt my life whenever they need - but thats the important word - "need" - and i'll let them walk over me if they need. Pfft family, gotta love em!
When I started writing this blogpost I had a clear idea in mind what I would be talking about - the whole "witness protection" thing with my family... but with just having had *another* trial, i havent sorted out how i feel about it all again now, so if i started writing id never stop.

This whole thing has almost broken me so many times now, i'm just afraid that one day it will. Venting is something i do need to do, but I just dont have that many words right now, and venting to my family isn't an option - they just make it feel worse.

Is is a fascinating story though lol, this woman J is truly unbelievable!

But right now, I'm still confused about that, and every time i have escaped to forum reading or cavern, theyre talking about how to vote 5 reps in some way thats fair - just getting stupid. I'm staying out of it so far, my brutally honest opinion isn't one they need to hear just yet. Probably they never will lol - not like i'd be in the running - i already know who is most likely to be "elected" and unfortunately, i probably count myself among those who won't be too happy if that happens.

Something new would be nice - something good. something to break my endless routine of working working working sleeping with small UU breaks and the odd sing.

hmmm first i need sleep, then i'll think about something new.

So maybe later on i'll try and fit *the story* into a post, until then, if you wanna know and know where to find me, ask - its easier to tell in a conversation ;)

Terminally Single?

2006-02-28T19:24:00.000+13:00

in less than half an hour my brother arrives to visit for a couple of days.

I'm really looking forward to having him here, only i just "got rid of" another house guest i've had here for 3 weeks! I want my space!

It's funny. I've lived alone so long i don't think i know how not to any more. When i was flatting in Dunedin, i had a string of nightmare flatmates: thieves, drug dealers, people who decided that they didnt need to pay rent for the 3 weeks they were working on a fishing boat, only for the week they were there before they went fishing again, party animals - as in nothing BUT partying, and the worst... just plain STUPID people - my pet peeve lol

So i got a place on my own. It was simple & basic but the rent was cheap, it was tidy and it was MINE! MY food in the fridge, MY stuff in the bathroom, MY mess to clean when i choose and no cleaning up after anyone else. MY place, MY space.

and i got selfish

My space has become so important to me that anyone in it for too long, no matter how much i enjoy their company, I get suffocated and just want my space back.

I accept that with my living space, but it does eventually become a problem in relationships. I've become selfish with myself as well, and i dont like that. It took me a long long time to figure out what was wrong, but i get suffocated by people who get too close to me as well. I start finding flaws, and even tiny ones grow to be huge issues. Not always, and it can be a good thing because i find real issues that i had no idea were there in the warm glow of a new relationship, but it has caused me problems as well

must work on that - don't be so damn selfish :P

weird part is that whenever possible, i'm seriously unselfish with people i care about. I give and give, often to my own detriment. another story - coming soon.

Hmmm, my bro is here now, mebbe i'll set him up with an avatar and set him roaming around D'mala. I told enough people he was coming to visit that he should get a really warm reception!

anyway, am I terminally Single or not? I ask myself all the time. Will i ever find someone who doesn't piss me right off long enough to settle myself into being with them?

God i hope theres hope

that'll teach me

2006-02-24T20:34:00.000+13:00

Damn i wish I was more relaxed when I write letters; they always come out sounding so official, when that's not how I mean them to come across at all! Hopefully blogging will help that - i need to teach myself to write as I speak, that I can convey my point without getting all beaurocratic and formal sounding - I hate that!

well.... 3 1/2 weeks ago I wrote an email.

It was important to me to write it, it was also a really hard one to write. I have never actively promoted my singing, and that was what i did in this email. I was nervous and afraid, careful how I placed every word, I even managed to make it sound light and relaxed and it took me days to write.... another several hours with my mouse poised over the send button before I could bring myself to send it.

You see, I know I sing well, really well. friends around me and in game alike love to hear me and tell me all the time that I should be doing more. Unfortunately, the only recordings I have, the ones my online groupies have heard, were recorded when i was ill. I had a cold so bad I could barely breathe... but they're still good enough to impress... though I doubt someone in "the business" would be as impressed

So when I did finally send it, I was so relieved. I had always wanted to put myself forward, to be recognised for my talent, especially by people I respected and in a context that I care about so much. And now the letter was sent, and all I had to do was wait.

Well, I didn't have long to wait... within a couple hours, an email alert appeared in my messenger window. It was my reply....well not quite; it was a reply saying thanks for the email and it had been forwarded to the person who should see it.

Progress? well yeah, but that's as far as it got. After that i heard nothing. No "OMG we NEED you to sing for us", no "good idea, good voice, we're impressed and thinking about it", no "thanks but no thanks", not even a "what the hell were you thinking???". nothing in 3 1/2 weeks.

So I have no idea if the email didn't get forwarded, didn't make it to it's destination, did make it but wasn't opened, or was opened and discarded. As much respect as I have for the people I sent it to, that's a little rude.

But what can I do... I'm not sure I even want to know why now......

One minute down, Fourteen to go

2006-02-04T22:36:00.000+13:00

OK that was too cool

A few weeks ago i went on a fabric sourcing business trip. I was away for almost a week, in a city where a few friends lived, so we got together and went out one night. Of course we ended up heading for one of the very few *not scummy* local karaoke bars, and had a great night.

One of those great nights where i had the crowd in teh palm of my hand... i had them dancing, screaming, i made them smile, i watched the jaws drop and teh eyes widen when i pulled a perfect long high note (finally i get to sing with clear sinuses and there was no recording!) and then for my own satisfaction, with my final song i made the whole room cry :P

So today I was walking home from my workroom, exhausted and ready to relax and let the world go away for a while, when a group of people stopped me in the street, all excited to see me as if they were best friends!

It turned out they were there at the karaoke bar that night...... Tourists from the UK.... and now their travels brought them here and they recognised me as if i were famous...

small, small, small world

....but how cool is that! :D

2006-02-02T18:17:00.000+13:00

Excuse my cynicism in this entry - i am in bigtime nicotine withdrawl, and my patience and general positive outlook on things is a little faded right now - hope this part of quitting doesnt last long!

My Nana seems to be making a miraculous recovery. It figures - she seems to have a habit of those.

Picture a 90 year old woman, riddled with cancer for the past 70 years, repeatedly on death's doorstep, repeatedly coming back from near death when it is least expected and returning to her boiled food and her garden.

My Nana Mary devoted her life to the church. She lived across the road, hosted communion every day (3 times on Sunday), grew her garden so that she could provide a constant supply of fresh flowers for the church. Oh and she had 12 children as well. Often the children were incidental and lower priority than the church, but only about half of them seem to be permanently messed up because of it. Still, she got a medal from the pope so it must be worth it.

I do admire her commitment to her beliefs, don't get me wrong - but i believe that martyrdom should not come at the expense of others.

She is a nice lady, and i do love her, and accept that her choices in life were her own, and she felt they were right at the time. She has always has a welcoming (if stale smelling :P) place for any of us to stay, and has sent a card and handkerchief to every one of her 40+ grandchildren every birthday and christmas, like clockwork.

If she dies now, I will regret never actually talking to her about her life, and about mine. I'm sure we would share in a very interesting conversation.

On the other hand, if this miraculous recovery comes to fruition like all the others, maybe i'll just make the effort to go and have that conversation after all

2006-02-01T14:30:00.000+13:00

Two valuable pieces of information to improve your life:

1: Always have fresh limes in the kitchen
2: Never wish your life would be a little more interesting - never!

One day i may elaborate on those, but for now just believe me :P

So I sing. Mostly I sing simply because I love it. Sometimes I sing to make myself or someone else feel better. Occasionally I sing to win. I have never sung for money, apart from side-effects of singing to win. I sing because its who i am, and i sing well.

Yesterday I promoted myself. I rarely do that, and i can't say much about who i contacted in case by some remote chance it works out and all suddenly becomes hush-hush. So far though, i haven't recieved any "what a stupid idea" or "who are you kidding" type emails, so theres still hope lol.

So...blogging huh? I've read a few of them, heard about more than i've read, but never written one. Hopefully i'll have interesting things to say!

for now though, first entry over - i'm getting boring already, and i figure that should be my blogging rule - stop when you get boring!

until next time...